Turn life’s disruptions into a path forward with this 2-step process

Once upon a time, in a small village in ancient China, a farmer’s horse ran away into the wild. The neighbors, wanting to show solidarity, came to see the farmer and offered: “We are very sorry to hear your horse has run away. What terrible fortune!” Looking off into the distance where his horse had disappeared, the farmer responded: “Maybe.” 

The following morning, the sun rose to a surprising sight: Not only had the farmer’s horse returned, but it had brought with it seven wild horses. Astonished by what they saw, the neighbors exclaimed, “You now have eight horses. What great luck!” The farmer again simply replied, “Maybe.” 

A day later, the farmer’s son attempted to break one of the wild horses. But the horse bucked, causing the son to fall and break his leg. The neighbors came around and said, “That’s such bad luck!” Again, the farmer said, “Maybe.” 

Then military officers arrived to draft young men for war. However, upon seeing the son’s broken leg, they left the farmer’s son behind. The neighbors shouted out: “Isn’t that fantastic!” The farmer looked at the departing officers and answered, “Maybe.” 

Many are familiar with this parable, and yet we often struggle to accept change without judgment. One notable exception is former software developer Michael Singer. Singer had set out on a path that, with diligence and discipline, would lead him to a successful career as an economics professor. However, his plans didn’t unfold as predicted. 

After experiencing his own version of the farmer’s “maybe” — several small crises yielding unexpected fruit —  Singer resolved to take life as it came, accepting difficulties and opportunities without judging them through the lens of his ego. This attitude of nimble resilience paved the way to unexpected success, such as founding a groundbreaking software company, establishing a communal living center, and authoring several bestselling books.

Eventually, Singer faced what would have been, for many, a devastating crisis when he was forced to resign as the CEO of his company following an FBI investigation that was ultimately dropped. During the investigation, he kept calm, navigating the lengthy legal process with grace and patience. When his name was cleared and still he had to hand over leadership of the company he had founded, he could have become bitter and fearful. Instead, he accepted the outcome, choosing to remain curious about the future rather than dwell on the past. 

If giving in to life’s whims without ever giving up can unlock doors we never knew existed, why do we struggle with remaining nimble in the face of disruption? 

When things break apart 

Every day, you’re confronted with unexpected ­events — ­ someone says something you didn’t see coming, you receive a phone call from a friend you don’t talk to very often, you find money in a coat pocket, or there’s a sudden change in weather. These gentle waves barely rock your boat; sometimes, they require minor adjustments or even bring a bit of joy. 

Disruptions, however, are a different beast. In Latin, disruptus means “to separate forcibly, to break apart.” This gives us an insight into why disruptions feel so painful: They create a jarring gap between what we expect will happen and what actually occurs. These are the storms that test our mettle and force us to face how fragile our plans really are. 

The stress caused by disruptions varies based on how much they force you to adapt. In other words, the degree to which you are forced to change defines the magnitude of a disruption. For this reason, even joyful occasions such as weddings and holidays can be experienced as ­disruptive — ­ because of how drastically they alter the ordinary. 

Disruptions may be especially upsetting when they interfere with important projects. The plans we lay and the roles we envision for ourselves give us a sense of control in the sea of chaos. Any disruption that derails these plans feels like more than just a change in direction: It’s a direct attack on who we are and our place in the world. And the effects of this attack can be painful. Disruptive life events and personal stressors are associated with both anxiety and depression. In fact, a growing number of psychologists believe that disruptive life events play more of a role in someone’s development of a mental illness than genetics do. 

That’s why, over thousands of years, philosophers and spiritual leaders have advocated for a healthy form of letting go. Buddhism teaches that suffering arises from attachment to desires, including the desire for control over outcomes. Taoism talks about wu wei, which can be translated as “effortless action.” This doesn’t mean inaction but rather acting in harmony with the flow of life, without force or resistance. Similarly, in Hindu philosophy, vairagya is the detachment that allows us to experience greater levels of tranquility. 

Western science is catching up to the Eastern spiritual teachings on the benefits of surrendering to the present moment and choosing to flow with the currents of life. Studies show that constantly trying to fight and fix the things that go wrong in life can lead to chronic stress and that one of the hallmarks of psychological ­ well-being is the ability to fluidly adapt to ­ change — not to resist chaos but embrace it. 

Researchers distinguish between active acceptance and resigning acceptance. In both cases, people abandon fruitless attempts to control what they can’t change. However, their mindset and outlook on life are different.

“Active acceptance means acknowledging a negative, difficult situation and dealing with it in a constructive way,” Yuka Maya Nakamura and Ulrich Orth from the University of Bern, Switzerland, explain. “Resigning acceptance also means abandoning outward directed actions; however, this behavior is combined with negative expectations about the future and a loss of hope.” Their research shows that only active acceptance is associated with better mental health, as people redirect their energy into more constructive actions to shape their lives. 

Navigating life’s disruptions isn’t about completely abandoning hope, nor is it about blind ­tenacity — the positive can-do attitude some recommend maintaining in all circumstances. Instead, it calls for an in-between ­approach — an active embrace of life’s inherent unpredictability. The key is to cultivate your own version of the farmer’s “maybe.” 

Times of disruption are an opportunity to relax your grip on the outcome while you keep on showing up. Even in the face of adversity, we can send a powerful message to ourselves: Our value isn’t contingent upon perfect conditions or outcomes, but on our commitment to ourselves and our journey. Your role is to stick to your pact and allow the world to provide you with data. Just showing ­ up — being an agent of change in a world that keeps on ­ changing — can help you feel more confident in your ability to cope and more prepared to handle future setbacks. 

As Vivian Greene puts it: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Accepting life’s disruptions doesn’t make you passive; it makes you agile. 

The two-step reset

Disruptions inevitably interrupt our choreographed routines, but we can learn to dance with them. Finding your footing again is a two-step process, much like the ­ two-step rhythmic pattern in various folk traditions. You must first explore the subjective experience with curiosity before calmly confronting the objective issues. 

Although these two steps are not necessarily formalized in the way I will describe them below, you will find them in many schools of thought. Stoicism advocates, first and foremost, cultivating a state of calm regardless of external circumstances. Only then can you analyze situations logically to determine what’s within your control and what’s not. Many modern forms of therapy consist of recognizing unhelpful emotional responses that distort our belief systems and then, in a second phase, using that awareness to alter the corresponding maladaptive behaviors. 

After years of inner work, Michael Singer arrived at the same conclusion: “I could see that the practice of surrender was actually done in two very distinct steps: First, you let go of the personal reactions of like and dislike that form inside your mind and heart; and second, with the resultant sense of clarity, you simply look to see what is being asked of you by the situation unfolding in front of you.”

Step One. Processing the subjective experience

Disruption, by its very nature, shakes our emotional core. The first step is to pause and lean into these emotions. A rapid heart rate, a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, increased sweating, a sinking feeling in your ­ stomach … Because the brain responds similarly to all threats, whether­ life-threatening or not, negative emotions that are not properly processed can impair our ability to evaluate situations, solve problems, and make decisions. 

Uncomfortable emotions are not inherently bad. In the words of Emily Willroth, a psychologist at Washington University in St. Louis: “Anxiety can help you to face a potential threat, anger can help you stand up for yourself, and sadness can signal to other people that you need their social support.” It’s how we interpret our emotions that can cause suffering. You want to translate these bodily responses into a language your mind can assimilate. 

For this, let’s use a technique psychologists call “affective labeling,” which helps you better manage your physiological responses by naming your emotional states. Research has found that labeling our emotions results in higher brain activity in our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain in charge of executive functioning, which includes managing tasks, making decisions, and focusing attention. It also reduces activity in the amygdala, a region that plays an important role in emotional processing and the fight-or-flight response. 

Affective labeling is literally “putting feelings into words.” As you do this, vague anxieties crystallize into a clear set of solid emotions. The pioneer of writing therapy, James W. Pennebaker, explained that labeling our emotions relieves our brains of the burdensome task of processing them. Once you have those words, it’s much easier to investigate their cause and address the issues underlying those feelings. 

Suppose you’re throwing a work event, and one of your suppliers is late with a delivery. Perhaps a client’s last-minute cancellation causes your team to fall short of its quarterly quota. A workshop might have to be restructured because one of the speakers missed their flight. Maybe it’s your flight that’s canceled, and you cannot attend a conference to give a presentation. 

Just ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? You don’t even need to write complete sentences. Jotting down a list of adjectives that describe your emotions will do (for example, tense, worried, nervous, uneasy, concerned). You can do this in as little as five minutes. You can use a journal, a notes app, or a scrap of paper from the recycling bin. You can do it on walks by using the voice recorder on your phone, or through any medium that removes as much friction as possible between felt emotion and verbal expression. 

If you’re having trouble putting a name to a particular emotion, you can use a proxy to describe how you feel. For instance, a long history of research has demonstrated that emotional states are closely related to landscapes. Landscapes seen as safe and ­resource-rich tend to elicit positive emotions. On the other hand, dense forests or extremely open deserts are perceived negatively due to hidden dangers or a scarcity of resources. This effect is so strong that it persists in front of painted landscapes. You can leverage that primal connection to express your emotions in a more intuitive way. Maybe your feeling is a majestic but terrifying mountain, a vast and lonely ocean, a sandstorm over a desolate desert, or a big white cloud over the cliffs of a tiny beach town. 

It’s natural to experience some level of distress when faced with disruption. The best course of action is to process the emotion with curiosity and ­ self-compassion so you can calmly deal with the consequences. 

Step Two. Managing the objective consequences

Once you have managed the emotional impact of the disruption, you can proceed to confront its practical implications. The repercussions of any event are akin to ripples in water. The disruption is evident at the point of impact, but its effect becomes more subtle as the waves spread out. To gracefully navigate these challenges, you must see beyond the obvious impact and into the more nuanced, second-order consequences. 

Scientists who study the effects of chain ­reactions — such as the spread of an epidemic or the domino effect of a power ­outage — call this a “consequence cascade.” To unravel the potential consequences of an event, they use computational models that analyze many what-if scenarios. The good news is you don’t need to write complex programs. You can apply a simplified version of this method to deal with the objective problems that come up when something unexpected happens. 

First, pinpoint the direct impact of the disruption by zeroing in on the most noticeable effects. Then map out potential consequences. This can be a quick list or a visual map. Think of this as the next wave emanating from the point of disruption. Then evaluate each potential consequence. Is it significant? Is it positive, negative, or neutral? Can it resolve on its own, or must something be done? Based on your assessment, you can decide whether to take action. You may choose to do nothing if the repercussions are minor or the issue will go away on its own. But if the problem is serious enough, it’s worth putting some thought into how to fix it. 

In the majority of cases, we have more agency than we think and can make smart decisions about when to pull the many levers at our disposal. Assessing the significance of a stressor can not only help reduce feelings of uncertainty and anxiety but also enhance your ­problem-solving abilities. It’s a mental game of reacting but not overreacting, of defanging the fear and strategizing what response is required, if any. 

This process might take only a few minutes if you quickly realize the consequences are negligible. Because you’ve already labeled and accepted your emotions as a natural reaction, you can cope with the minor disturbance and move on. Or it could take a couple of hours if you are dealing with a thorny issue linked to multiple orders of consequences. Mapping all of these out will not necessarily solve all your problems, but it will help you go forward with more clarity and confidence in your ability to handle them or to surrender to the consequences.