Why I don’t mind when my kids are a little sad/frustrated/upset
Why I don’t mind when my kids are a little sad/frustrated/upset
By Joanna Goddard | Published: 2025-10-27 16:40:00 | Source: Cup of Jo
When teenagers burst into tears and slam their bedroom doors, I don’t go to comfort them…
It may be a bit harsh to write, but my thinking is this: They are learning emotional regulation, which is an essential life skill. When they were younger, I calmed them down, of course, but now that they’re teenagers, they’re building that muscle for themselves and getting stronger every time. I am proud of them and believe in them.
After all, they understand that I’m here, reading on the couch or brushing my teeth, if they need me. They know that they can come to me at any time, and that anything they say to me will not shock or embarrass me (“I heard Everything“There is nothing they could say or do that would make me stop loving them,” I tell them regularly. “I trust that they will come find me if they need advice or a hug or just want someone to sit next to them and rub their backs during a difficult moment.”
But in terms of sense Those big feelings? I would never want to take it away or stop my kids from trying it. Feeling upset, sad, or disappointed is not a bad thing; In fact, it’s a very good thing. It’s part of life! We aim for perfection! Children must learn how to tolerate harsh feelings, Run through the stormThey gave themselves pep talks and realized that big feelings pass and life goes on and they are okay.
The more they try this sequence over and over again, the more they learn that they can handle almost anything. They will be able to soothe themselves, without having to constantly seek reassurance or rely too heavily on someone else, or perhaps later drink too much or punch a wall. They will be able to stand securely on their feet and cope with whatever comes. how surprising Is this? Some people go their entire lives without learning emotional regulation; It’s a huge superpower, and I might even claim it’s the secret to lasting happiness?
(To be clear, I like to talk about fears, struggles, problems, relationships, and life in general with my kids, when they’re calm and collected; but I want them to learn how to deal with the big wave of emotions on their own first.)
I couldn’t agree with this more:
Some tips for emotional regulation (for all ages):
* Take a rest alone
* Breathe deeply
* Drink water, splash water on your face, and take a shower (just add water 🙂
* Go for a walk
* Pay attention to your feelings and name them
* Remind yourself that difficult feelings will pass; They are usually larger at first
* Try to rephrase your thinking or imagine someone else’s point of view
* Think about the bigger picture (like the Grand Canyon trick!) – Your life is huge, and this is one moment within it
* Challenge your ideas. Ask yourself what is the evidence? (For example, if you think: “I have no friends,” is this really true? What is the evidence for this? Is there evidence on the other side?)
* If you made a mistake, and now you blame yourself, say to yourself, “I am learning.” (This helps me a lot when I’m feeling down with myself.) It’s okay to make mistakes, then learn and grow!
ideas? What would you add to that list? I’m curious to hear how you process and reflect on these moments. If my kids are upset, and I feel like solving all their problems (which is impossible anyway!), I’ll tell myself things like: “This is a feeling they can relate to; (And guess what I just realized, when I wrote that last paragraph? I’m emotionally regulating myself while they’re learning to emotionally regulate!)
Note: More on talking to kids, including a scavenger hunt parenting hack and three words that changed the way I work with kids. Plus, 21 completely subjective rules for raising teen girls and teen boys.
(Photo by Danil Nevsky/Stocksy.)
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